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<< Back to Top Secret Recipes TV Appearances
The Pat Bullard Show
November 1996 |
When I got the call to appear on this show I believe I said something like, "Pat who?"
Turns out this was a new daytime talk show that had only been on for a month or two. Pat Bullard is a Canadian comedian that got his own talk show. Of course, I was glad to fly out to the Channel 11 studios (the WB Network at the time) in New York City with cooler of food in tow for an appearance.
The producers wanted to do something fun with Top Secret Recipes. Rather than just put the demonstration and taste test in a segment somewhere near the end of the show, as is usually the case, we would involve the other guests on the show in their own blindfolded taste tests. Sure, that seems like a good idea.
Pat works the first demonstration into the opening monologue of the show by talking about how much his dad eats. He pulls a kid out from the audience to try guessing which is the real Snapple Ice Tea. This guy, Jason, was thirsty, man (photo 1). He starts chugging and chugging the first glass. Pat goes to take it and he keeps chugging. "Jason, Jason...we're on TV," Pat says. "Good Lord, when's the last time you had a drink of anything, Jason? Apparently he just got through jogging."
Pat hands him the next glass of iced tea. "Okay, now look at my watch and try that one." Again Jason chugs away. When he's through Pat asks him to guess the real Snapple. He picks the first one. I say, "He's wrong!" Pat is happy we fool the kid and sends Jason back up to his seat with, "Jason, I suppose after all that you want to run to the restroom. Go ahead."
After the break the guest is Malcolm-Jamal Warner. At the end of his interview, Pat asks if he wants to take a little taste-test. He agrees and Pat hands him the blindfold. Malcolm puts it on, then throws his head back and begins to sway from side to side with a big smile (photo 2). Pat catches on and starts to sing a little Stevie Wonder, "Isn't she lovely?...Isn't she wonderful?..." The audience cracks up.
Out comes the Cracker Jack (photo 3). Malcolm tastes some from the first bowl and says, "Now I need some Snapple." Looking into the audience Pat says, "Well, we'd have some for you if somebody didn't drink it all." The producers send me out from stage left with a glass of Snapple for Malcolm. I hand it to him and sit down on the couch. Malcolm takes a taste from the second bowl and has his decision: "The first one is better, but I think the second one is the real Cracker Jack." He's right.
The second guest on the show is comedienne Margaret Cho. At the end of her interview Pat asks her to put on "the dorky mask." She looks at it and says, "These aren't my eyes though." Pat says, "Like they were Malcolm's."
Margaret puts on the blindfold (photo 4) and starts doing an impression of her Dad with a thick Korean Accent, "This is just like my Dad, 'I make it for you. I can make it betta than real thing'." Then Pat realizes, "It's so weird. I'm forgetting you can't see me. I'm sitting thinking, 'Boy she's really into what I'm saying'."
Pat hands her one of each of the cookies -- not good. As she's talking about Hydrox being the cheaper version of the Oreo, she's feeling the difference between the two cookies (photo 5). After tasting the two she says, "This one tastes better, but this one is the Oreo." She's right. Hmmm.
The last celebrity taste test goes to Days of Our Lives soap opera villainess Alison Sweeney. Pat asks if she's ready to take the taste-test. "Have you been watching?" Pat asks. "I have," Alison says. "And I know about this blindfold thing. I'm a little intimidated. Can I put it on upside down? I'm going to be original (photo 6)." Pat says, "Sure...hey that kinda looks like your eyes."
She taste one peanut butter cup, then the other. When Alison thinks she has it figured out she says, "Okay, the first one was real." Pat looks confused, "You know...uh, I forgot to pay attention."
Last, it's time for the demonstration segment -- time to show everybody how to make a phony Big Mac at home (photo 7). I go through the moves of building a burger, telling everyone how to make the middle bun by cutting the top off of a normal hamburger bun. Then I get to the "special sauce" and say that all you have to use is Kraft Thousand Island Dressing. "That's all it is?" Pat asks.
"Yeah, that's all." I tell him. "I did a side-by-side test and this tastes just like it."
"Okay," Pat quips. "So you'll stick around for the lawsuit?"
I finish stacking all of the ingredients. And kind of smash the burger down a bit with my hands. "And there it is," I say as I present it. "I guess the only real difference is they wear gloves," Pat jokes.
Now it's time for Pat's taste-test. "I'm going to put on the mask here that everyone's worn so proudly" Pat says (photo 8). "How do I look? I feel like Speed Racer." He starts to blindly touch my head and says something like, "Hey, there's a hair on my burger." He's grabbing my hair (photo 9).
Pat takes a bite of the real one, and then phony; and with the fake still in his hand says, "This is definitely the Big Mac." I say, "That one is definitely...the homemade burger." The audience hoots.
And that's it. Show's over. Roll credits. |
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